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Q&A with Karen Edmisten, author of "after miscarriage"

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Thanks, Karen Edmisten, for being so open and willing to answer all my rambling questions.  You can read my review of After Miscarriage: A Catholic Woman’s Companion to Healing & Hope in this weekend’s print Catholic Post or here on the blog.
 
Q. First, can you tell us little more about yourself, your family and your writing?
I’m a former atheist (I was baptized at the age of 30 and came into the Catholic Church at age 35), a wife (my husband came into the Church five years after I did), and a  homeschooling mom of three girls. Our oldest daughter will graduate this year and my other daughters are 15 and 9. I’ve always written in one form or another, but I began writing for publication about five years after I became a Catholic. I started blogging (at Karen Edmisten) in late 2005, and my first book (The Rosary: Keeping Company With Jesus and Mary) was published in 2009. My second book (Through the Year With Mary) came out in 2010.
Q.  Why a book about miscarriage?
I’ve had five miscarriages myself, so it’s something I’ve lived, something I’ve thought a lot about. I wanted to share the things that were helpful and healing to me over the years, and I wanted to offer a specifically Catholic resource to address some of the questions and misunderstandings that I hear about the Church and miscarriage.
And, the grief I experienced through my miscarriages, while devastating at the time, ultimately helped me to grow closer to God, so I also wanted to share some of that hope and encouragement.
I also wanted to reassure others that they are not alone if they feel the grief of miscarriage deeply and for a long time. We’re often expected to “get over it” fairly quickly, and while it’s important to heal and keep moving forward, I think we are often surprised by how shaken we are by the loss.
Q.  You are very candid in the book about your own struggles through multiple miscarriages, and even share journal entries.  What gave you the courage to share this, and were you at all concerned about sharing “too much”?
I don’t really think of myself as courageous – maybe I should be concerned about sharing too much, but that doesn’t usually occur to me! It’s more a matter of thinking, “If this is helpful to someone else, then it’s worth saying.” Maybe because I was, at one time in my own life, such a questioner of all things religious, and I deeply appreciated people who were willing to share their spiritual journeys with me, that I want to do the same for others if I can.
Q.  Having lost a baby through miscarriage or stillbirth is kind of a “sisterhood” in a way.   Do you find women more willing in the age of the Internet/blogs, to share about membership in “the sisterhood” and talk about these kinds of details about their lives?  Is that a good thing or not?
I think we’ve always been willing to share and to support each other in that “sisterhood” – it just seems a natural reaction among women. But I think the age of the internet makes it much easier to find help, support, understanding – and I think that’s a great thing.
Q.  I’m not sure if this is a question or an invitation to discussion about this.  When I interviewed Amy Welborn about her book Wish You Were Here, I was thinking of, but never got to a post about, good books for kids who might be going through grieving.  So many of the books “specifically for or about grieving” left us cold when my own kids were going through the loss of both sets of grandparents in just a few short years.   
Amy had a great response that it isn’t necessarily a book about grieving that helps when you experience a loss, but everyone finds different types of books (perhaps something completely different-mysteries, for instance) /coping mechanisms that are helpful.    It may not be the right time or healing balm to read about death and dying.
And yet the experience of miscarriage/stillbirth is so intimate and unique, I think reading After Miscarriage is helpful for most women who have experienced it, whether recently or long ago.  The resources you provide to places like Elizabeth Ministry and the like are also very helpful and pertinent.  Your thoughts?
Thanks, and yes, I do hope that After Miscarriage ishelpful to women (and men) at any stage of that journey. But I agree with Amy that there are a lot of things that can be helpful that aren’t specifically about grief. Sometimes the tiniest thing was a healing gesture for me – bringing fresh-cut irises from the garden into the house.
One of my miscarriages occurred when my oldest daughter was six years old. She was devastated. I didn’t find that books about grief were all that helpful to her – what helped her the most was just my presence. She simply needed to know that I was there, that we could play Candyland, or go out for ice cream.
When I did read books about grief, they weren’t about the specific kind I was experiencing, but they were what I needed. For example, in After Miscarriage,  I quote A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis, and Two-Part Invention, by Madeleine L’Engle. Both of those books deal with the loss of a spouse, and yet both were extremely helpful and meaningful to me after miscarriages, simply because they so accurately captured the state of grief itself.
Karen and I corresponded about some of the resources that are available to families undergoing a pregnancy loss.  
 
Karen Edmisten and the owner of one resource, Heaven’s Gain, will be on an “After Miscarriage” show on the Catholic Answers Live radio show on May 28th.
 
In addition, Elizabeth Ministry International has a very helpful FAQ page for families undergoing miscarriage or stillbirth.

A Healing New Book for Coping With Miscarriage

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Are you a member of the sisterhood?  No one wants to be, but many women are among those who have miscarried or have a stillborn child.  Every woman handles it differently, and every woman grieves differently.  A well-designed new book by Karen Edmisten, After Miscarriage: A Catholic Woman’s Companion to Healing & Hope, helps provide comfort and support to those who have gone through this.
I experienced a miscarriage when I was newly married, many years ago.  But even after nearly two decades, I found this book very healing to read and ponder.
Edmisten shares the stories of many different women who have gone through miscarriage or stillbirth, and the differences and similarities of each woman’s experience. She also candidly shares journal entries of times from her multiple pregnancy losses.   The book also includes additional resources for grieving, support and further reading.
I so appreciate how nicely designed the book is—the square shape is particularly appealing and had a good “feel” to it.  After Miscarriage would be a great resource for the many women who are part of “the sisterhood,” and for those who love them.

Maurice Sendak, RIP: UPDATED

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Rest in peace, Maurice Sendak.

Our family has a long association with Maurice Sendak, children’s book author and illustrator.  In my childhood, I (or at least our house) had a copy of Where the Wild Things Are.  I especially loved Max’s room and how his supper was warm in it.  We weren’t ever allowed to eat in our bedrooms.  To the young me, it seemed fantastic and wonderful that Max could have supper in his room, especially after such misbehavior and such an adventure (even in his dreams).

When my husband and I were first married and he had convinced me that a puppy was a good idea, the first book we read together about it was The Art of Raising Your Puppy by the Monks of New Skete, an order of Orthodox brothers who train dogs as their charism.  For some reason, it was comforting that Maurice Sendak had his dogs trained personally with the Monks, as they discuss in the books.

And when children came to our house, Where the Wild Things Are was a perennial favorite at bedtime.  In particular, after a bad day, it was one of the very reliable soothing books, along with Goodnight Moon and really anything by Margaret Wise Brown.   Knowing that your supper would be waiting for you after adventures, that mom and dad will love you no matter how “wild” you are.  It’s just a perfect book.  With every one of our children, whenever I got to the line, “and Max wanted to be where someone loved him best of all…”  each one of our children would blurt out, “with his mommy and his daddy” as if it were in actually written in the text, and so for that book, for us, it is.

When I kept a personal blog many years ago, I had pseudonyms for my children, and our son’s name was “Max.”  Now you know why.

Somewhere, many years ago, I read that Where The Wild Things Are is like a kids’ version of the Parable of the Prodigal Son.  Read it again with that in mind, and I think you will agree.

We have never seen the movie that was made several years back.  None of us really wanted to, even though the promotions were quite appealing.  I just don’t know how you can improve upon or make a full-length movie about a perfect picture book.  It’s like making a movie about The Runaway Bunny.  How can it possibly be any good?

Maurice Sendak illustrated, but did not write, the Little Bear books (writing was by Else Holmelund Minarik) , and I saw an interview with Sendak once in which he mentioned how important it was for him to get the mother illustrated just so.  The illustrations are what “make” the Little Bear series, and noticed how the picture that Little Bear drew in the story, A Kiss for Little Bear is a primitive Wild-Thing like monster.  The Little Bear books were so popular young-age books at our house.  Our oldest had “Birthday Soup” memorized at 3 years old–there’s a video of that somewhere (oh, what did we people do who had kids before YouTube?).  We also know large parts of most of the rest of the Little Bear books.  I have especially fond memories of illustrations in The Goblin Story and Little Bear is Not Sleepy and oh, just about all the others.  So I’m going to stop now.

Sendak had a book come out in the last year, but it was not well-reviewed.  I didn’t like all of Sendak’s work, so it wouldn’t surprise me if this one isn’t great.  Where the Wild Things Are and Little Bear are enough to make him well-loved at our house.

UPDATE:

Earlier today, I was driving into town to meet my husband for noon Mass, and I listened to a part of the NPR show “Fresh Air” where today, the show replayed several previous interviews host Terry Gross did with Sendak in recent years.  [As a total aside, can I say that she is an AMAZING interviewer when not constrained by the age of celebrity and uber-scripted interviews, which sadly is most of the time these days].

She asked Sendak at one point about his lack of faith (Sendak had been raised Jewish), and mentioned she thought his unbelief seemed to grow stronger instead of being tested.  He said something along the lines of (I’m paraphrasing here) “oh, yes, absolutely, I don’t think there is anything after death, which is why it’s so sad when my friends die.”   And yet he said he did not fear death, and did not mind getting old as it allowed him time to read books and listen to great music. But then he said,  a choke in his voice, “I believe I will see my brother again.”

From the “Fresh Air” page with the entire interview, well worth a listen:

“I have nothing now but praise for my life. I’m not unhappy. I cry a lot because I miss people. They die and I can’t stop them. They leave me and I love them more. … What I dread is the isolation. … There are so many beautiful things in the world which I will have to leave when I die, but I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready.”

After listening to this, and hearing his search for the good and beautiful, I can only to pray for him in the fond hope that he is re-united with his brother, where are all re-united perfectly.  I need to start a category in labels of “not far from the Kingdom of God,” for which I consider Maurice Sendak in that category, along with Steve Jobs.   All these Emeths (from C.S. Lewis’ The Last Battle who “all find what they truly seek.”

A Great Catholic Kids Book: Seven Lonely Places, Seven Warm Places

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This isn’t a regular feature here, but really should be: great Catholic books for kids.  I am especially interested in books that are great to read aloud.

Here’s a must-have.  I’m recommending this not just as a one-time read, but a book to add to your library and read often.  It’s Seven Lonely Places, Seven Warm Places: The Vices and Virtues for Children by April Bolton, illustrated by Brent Beck.  It was first published in 2003 by St. Anthony Messenger Press (now known as Franciscan Media).

My own children are generally great judges of what makes a good read-aloud, as we have done so much of it over the years, and they have always loved this book.  But I knew Seven Lonely Places, Seven Warm Places was a real winner when I read it to six different grades at our children’s Catholic grade school.  Many of those kids fidget, or will tell me or show me flat out, when a book does not interest them.  All of the grades–from K through 5th grade–sat in rapt attention during the reading of this book.  And the comments! Oh the comments! The discussions we had about this book, the illustrations, the message.  Especially from kindergarteners.

I strongly urge you to have this book on hand, read it to your kids, and sit back and wait for some amazing discussions about virtues.  Here’s a link to the publisher’s website for the book, and I’m sure it’s available at various Catholic retailers.

October Baby

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October Baby is a sweet and at the same time unbelievably powerful movie about a young woman who always feel there is something missing, or different about her, until she discovers a shocking truth.  There’s a lot about family, about growing up, about forgiveness.  Heavy topics, and yet the movie itself is quite funny.

I got the opportunity to attend a screening several weeks back of October Baby.  Normally, my husband and I try to make these screenings a “date night” (and we usually run into other couples we know).  That particular night, my husband had a speaking engagement, so I invited a fellow blogging friend along and we had a nice evening out.

Sister Helena Burns (not the blogging friend I attended with, incidentally) wrote a comprehensive review on her blog earlier this week.  Please head on over there to get a feel for the plot of the movie.
There’s nothing for me to add to her excellent review–she’s much more detailed about “movie-ish” things.  I didn’t really notice the background music issue she raises; in fact, I thought the cinematography was especially good.  Here are some of my favorites from the movie:
*the father-daughter relationship felt really real, especially a dad being a little overprotective, then learning how to let go.
*the loving, beautiful and kind portrayal of those in the abortion industry.  This loving and kind portrayal is even more so for women who choose abortion.  There’s no condemnation, just love.  Wonderful–may we all be this way, all the time.
*Truman, the “funny” friend of the two main characters, and really all the friends.  He’s hilarious, and wild horses couldn’t drag me back to being a college student, but I would do so just to get to go on a road trip with the cast of characters that do in October Baby.
*a non-Catholic character experiences an epiphany, and a kind of healing, in a Catholic church.  Much has been made (and I have found absolutely true, and wonderful) that ecumenism is a great quality of the pro-life movement.  This movie shows how exists naturally and is not forced or awkward, but heartfelt.
*Like Sister Helena, I cried at the end.  How could you not?
October Baby is about an abortion survivor–and by that I don’t mean a woman who “survives” abortion.  Sometimes, rarely, a baby survives an abortion (so the bumper sticker “abortion: one dead, one wounded” becomes “two wounded.”)   And those babies grow up into remarkable adults.
Many years ago, I spent several days with Gianna Jessen, one of the abortion survivors on which the movie is based, the first time she testified before Congress.  It must have been in the late 1980s or early 1990s, and she was a young teenager–14 or 15.  I had the great good fortune to drive Gianna and her (adoptive) mom around throughout the several days she was in DC.  Driving people around seems to be a theme in my life, but it is a great way to get to know people!
I hope if our weekend schedule permits that I will take my 14-year-old daughter, and perhaps a friend or two, to see the movie this weekend.  I’ve been talking to her about it, and she is very eager to see it.  I think the PG-13 rating is appropriate, but probably a lot of younger kids could see it, considering all the intense media many kids consume.
I love that October Baby filmmakers will set aside 10 percent of the profits from the film for women in crisis pregnancies:

The Best Thing About the Behold Conference, Part 2

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Since the blogger help table was in the back of the room, I got the chance to be in the “baby zone.”  There was a mom’s room with a screen streaming the conference events, but that room was packed, and some little ones just needed some time to bounce.  It was fun!
Here’s a photo of all the bloggers.  What a great group of ladies.
Because the back of the room was the baby zone, there was much talk of “baby-stealing.”  Here, blogger Danielle Bean caught in the act with one of the Mosher twins.
 Blogger Hallie Lord meeting two other social media users, who came to Behold specifically because they read about it on her blog.  Next year I want to do a better job of connecting all the people who use social media together during the conference.  Perhaps a sign like, “Tweet Zone”?  Or not.