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The Temperament God Gave Your Kids: Not A Parenting Book

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Following is my monthly column that appears in the print Catholic Post.  I invite your feedback here, or elsewhere online. 


In May, I like to focus on books that could potentially make great Mother’s Day gifts.  But while I love to read all sorts of parenting books, I hesitate long and hard before recommending them.  There are just so many varied ways to be a great Catholic parent.
Fortunately, The Temperament God Gave Your Kids: Motivate, Discipline and Love Your Children by Art & Laraine Bennett is not a parenting book.  Rather, it’s an explanation of the classical four temperaments, and how to work with those temperaments to have the best possible relationship with your kids, whatever your parenting style.  I truly enjoyed this book, and the Bennetts’ no-nonsense, kind approach to working with your child’s-and your own-temperament .
The Bennetts write not just as counselors, but fellow parents.  They have written two previous Temperament books, but I think this is their most mature effort.  You can easily glean your own temperament, as well as that of your loved ones, by reading this book (and taking the one-page  back-of-book temperament quiz).
Briefly, the four temperaments are: choleric (strong-willed & determined); melancholic (quiet & introspective);  sanguine (eager & sociable); and  phlegmatic (cooperative & peaceful).
When I strong-armed encouraged every member of our family to complete the quiz, I found that our temperaments were pretty much as expected.  Most helpful, though, was learning how these temperaments interact in a positive or negative way, and suggestions for a different way of looking at my role as a mom.   That means I treat a melancholic child differently than a sanguine or choleric child, all within my own parenting style.
The Bennets write: “Parents will find it far easier to help their children grown emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually when they build on their children’s natural strengths.”  Amen to that.
Once you understand your temperament and those of your kids (and spouse), you will be nodding along with the chapters describing slightly different you might want to parent, and also nodding along with their sage advice.
Those who know me are aware that when it comes to parenting/self-help books, I am a great fan of the numbers types of books—the five love languages, the seven habits of happy families, and the like.  What’s different—and better—about The Temperament book is the Bennett’s Catholic sensibility.  They promote knowing about the temperament in order to work with nature, instead of prescribing a “one size fits all” parenting philosophy.
I also especially loved the chapter “Growing in Virtue” which lists the virtues that come easy to each of the temperaments and ones that “need work.”  Having that information is so helpful in helping our children reach their full potential.

Q&A with Karen Edmisten, author of "after miscarriage"

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Thanks, Karen Edmisten, for being so open and willing to answer all my rambling questions.  You can read my review of After Miscarriage: A Catholic Woman’s Companion to Healing & Hope in this weekend’s print Catholic Post or here on the blog.
 
Q. First, can you tell us little more about yourself, your family and your writing?
I’m a former atheist (I was baptized at the age of 30 and came into the Catholic Church at age 35), a wife (my husband came into the Church five years after I did), and a  homeschooling mom of three girls. Our oldest daughter will graduate this year and my other daughters are 15 and 9. I’ve always written in one form or another, but I began writing for publication about five years after I became a Catholic. I started blogging (at Karen Edmisten) in late 2005, and my first book (The Rosary: Keeping Company With Jesus and Mary) was published in 2009. My second book (Through the Year With Mary) came out in 2010.
Q.  Why a book about miscarriage?
I’ve had five miscarriages myself, so it’s something I’ve lived, something I’ve thought a lot about. I wanted to share the things that were helpful and healing to me over the years, and I wanted to offer a specifically Catholic resource to address some of the questions and misunderstandings that I hear about the Church and miscarriage.
And, the grief I experienced through my miscarriages, while devastating at the time, ultimately helped me to grow closer to God, so I also wanted to share some of that hope and encouragement.
I also wanted to reassure others that they are not alone if they feel the grief of miscarriage deeply and for a long time. We’re often expected to “get over it” fairly quickly, and while it’s important to heal and keep moving forward, I think we are often surprised by how shaken we are by the loss.
Q.  You are very candid in the book about your own struggles through multiple miscarriages, and even share journal entries.  What gave you the courage to share this, and were you at all concerned about sharing “too much”?
I don’t really think of myself as courageous – maybe I should be concerned about sharing too much, but that doesn’t usually occur to me! It’s more a matter of thinking, “If this is helpful to someone else, then it’s worth saying.” Maybe because I was, at one time in my own life, such a questioner of all things religious, and I deeply appreciated people who were willing to share their spiritual journeys with me, that I want to do the same for others if I can.
Q.  Having lost a baby through miscarriage or stillbirth is kind of a “sisterhood” in a way.   Do you find women more willing in the age of the Internet/blogs, to share about membership in “the sisterhood” and talk about these kinds of details about their lives?  Is that a good thing or not?
I think we’ve always been willing to share and to support each other in that “sisterhood” – it just seems a natural reaction among women. But I think the age of the internet makes it much easier to find help, support, understanding – and I think that’s a great thing.
Q.  I’m not sure if this is a question or an invitation to discussion about this.  When I interviewed Amy Welborn about her book Wish You Were Here, I was thinking of, but never got to a post about, good books for kids who might be going through grieving.  So many of the books “specifically for or about grieving” left us cold when my own kids were going through the loss of both sets of grandparents in just a few short years.   
Amy had a great response that it isn’t necessarily a book about grieving that helps when you experience a loss, but everyone finds different types of books (perhaps something completely different-mysteries, for instance) /coping mechanisms that are helpful.    It may not be the right time or healing balm to read about death and dying.
And yet the experience of miscarriage/stillbirth is so intimate and unique, I think reading After Miscarriage is helpful for most women who have experienced it, whether recently or long ago.  The resources you provide to places like Elizabeth Ministry and the like are also very helpful and pertinent.  Your thoughts?
Thanks, and yes, I do hope that After Miscarriage ishelpful to women (and men) at any stage of that journey. But I agree with Amy that there are a lot of things that can be helpful that aren’t specifically about grief. Sometimes the tiniest thing was a healing gesture for me – bringing fresh-cut irises from the garden into the house.
One of my miscarriages occurred when my oldest daughter was six years old. She was devastated. I didn’t find that books about grief were all that helpful to her – what helped her the most was just my presence. She simply needed to know that I was there, that we could play Candyland, or go out for ice cream.
When I did read books about grief, they weren’t about the specific kind I was experiencing, but they were what I needed. For example, in After Miscarriage,  I quote A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis, and Two-Part Invention, by Madeleine L’Engle. Both of those books deal with the loss of a spouse, and yet both were extremely helpful and meaningful to me after miscarriages, simply because they so accurately captured the state of grief itself.
Karen and I corresponded about some of the resources that are available to families undergoing a pregnancy loss.  
 
Karen Edmisten and the owner of one resource, Heaven’s Gain, will be on an “After Miscarriage” show on the Catholic Answers Live radio show on May 28th.
 
In addition, Elizabeth Ministry International has a very helpful FAQ page for families undergoing miscarriage or stillbirth.

A Healing New Book for Coping With Miscarriage

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Are you a member of the sisterhood?  No one wants to be, but many women are among those who have miscarried or have a stillborn child.  Every woman handles it differently, and every woman grieves differently.  A well-designed new book by Karen Edmisten, After Miscarriage: A Catholic Woman’s Companion to Healing & Hope, helps provide comfort and support to those who have gone through this.
I experienced a miscarriage when I was newly married, many years ago.  But even after nearly two decades, I found this book very healing to read and ponder.
Edmisten shares the stories of many different women who have gone through miscarriage or stillbirth, and the differences and similarities of each woman’s experience. She also candidly shares journal entries of times from her multiple pregnancy losses.   The book also includes additional resources for grieving, support and further reading.
I so appreciate how nicely designed the book is—the square shape is particularly appealing and had a good “feel” to it.  After Miscarriage would be a great resource for the many women who are part of “the sisterhood,” and for those who love them.

January Giveaway #2: Weightless by Kate Wicker

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Congratulations to the Birgitta, winner of the giveaway of Strengthening Your Family.  

Next up is a giveaway of Kate Wicker’s Weightless: Making Peace with Your Body, another book I reviewed in my January column.   I had the chance to interview Kate and post the interview last week.  You can read that interview here, where you can read more about her book and writing.

The deadline for entering this giveaway is Monday, January 30, at 7 p.m. Central Time.

Here are the rules for this giveaway and all the books on giveaways here at the Catholic Post Book Group.  You must comment on the blog post or posts giving away the book.  So, if you are interested in a copy of Weightless, leave a comment here on this post.

In addition, if you are the winner, I will let you know via comment if I do not have an e-mail or a way to reach you.  If you do not respond in two days, I’ll pull another name. That’s it–couldn’t be easier.  Good luck to all entries!

Life, Death & Catholic Medical Choices: Why Do I Need A Book Like This?

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As I wrote in my Catholic Post review of Life, Death and Catholic Medical Choices, the excellent guide, virtually everyone would benefit from having this book on hand:


Some are thinking “I can go ask my parish priest, or read some encyclicals, or read some blogs about these tough issues.”  I say, yes to all of that, especially consulting your parish priest (who might have this book already).  But the well-reasoned and easy to read wisdom of centuries of Church teaching distilled in Life, Death and Catholic Medical Choices is a true treasure.”


My own personal story wouldn’t fit in my monthly print Post column, but I thought it would be helpful to share here.


In the last few years, both of my parents died within a few months of each other.  There were many medical moral issues that arose during the years before their death; that’s pretty common, as I’m sure readers will agree who have had a loved one face death in recent years.


I feel enormously  blessed to be part of a large and trusting Catholic family.  Among parents, my siblings and spouses we had two physicians, too many lawyers to count, and a Catholic moral theologian.  The latter is my dear husband, who has a wealth of wisdom, in addition to a caring and patient personality that could explain and help us navigate through the medical care persons at the end of life. 


And yet with all of that, our family still grappled with issues of treatment and care.   I know that I  would have found this book enormously comforting and helpful to read and consult during that time.


Another factor for many families, and which helped ours tremendously, was a Catholic healthcare setting. Fortunately, after a number of less-than optimal settings, my parents at the very end lived in a Catholic nursing home staffed with caring professionals who were led by a small group of devout white-habited Carmelite sisters.  The nursing home’s motto is “The difference is love,” and I can’t tell you what comfort those loving, well-formed professionals meant to our family.


There was a sad NY Times story over the weekend about the decline of religious sisters leading Catholic healthcare systems.  Keeping the Catholic vision in healthcare, in books like Life, Death & Catholic Medical Choices; is extremely important, I’m convinced.  In preparing my review, I read numerous other books about health care and end-of-life care, and the lack of Catholic vision can lead to some strange conclusions and muddled thinking.  


But keeping the Catholic healthcare we enjoy in our country (and especially in our local diocese, staffed with sisters and dedicated lay leaders) is another critical component to health care.    I’m not trying to say that great care can’t occur in non-Catholic settings; I’m sure it does in many places.   But the Catholic history and vision of caring for the vulnerable, the sick and the dying is a treasure we must never underestimate.


What are your thoughts on this?  (Please overlook the strange font size changes, line spacing, and other “creative” things Blogger is arbitrarily applying to this post.  I can’t seem to fix it.)

"Life, Death & Catholic Medical Choices" a True Treasure

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Here is my column that appears in this weekend’s Catholic Post.   I invite your feedback.
As Catholics, we are neither vitalists who believe in aggressive treatment “no matter what” nor utilitarians who believe in “life unless and until it’s convenient for me and mine.” 

We have a good and almost immediate understanding that our life is a gift from God.  We know that we are called to be stewards, not owners, of life.   Even so, medical decision-making in today’s environment can be a challenge.

That’s where a book like Life, Death and Catholic Medical Choices (50 Questions from the Pews) becomes indispensable.  Written by two moral theologians, Redemptorist Fr. Kevin O’Neil, and Australian diocesan priest Fr. Peter Black, this book provides sound, reasoned guidance on medical moral issues for anyone, Catholic or not.  The book is helpfully divided into three sections:  questions about the beginning of life (such as abortion, assisted reproductive technologies, adoption), life “in between” (questions relating to organ donation, cancer, and various other topics), and end of life care (such as palliative/hospice care, euthanasia, and  cremation).

I can just see half of my readers’ eyes glazing over and hear the other half saying, “What’s so different or great about that?”  With all due respect, listen up!

 The first half is thinking, “too technical,” to which I respond: Life, Death & Catholic Medical Choices is clear information about so many delicate moral questions, you will find yourself painlessly enlightened and educated.  The authors of this book make it look effortless, but be assured this kind of writing is difficult to get right.   Read casually or deeply, and find much food for thought and discussion.

To the second half, who is thinking, “I can go ask my parish priest, or read some encyclicals, or read some blogs about these tough issues.”  I say, yes to all of that, especially consulting your parish priest (who might have this book already).  But the well-reasoned and easy to read wisdom of centuries of Church teaching distilled in Life, Death and Catholic Medical Choices is a true treasure.   And while I love blogs, I write blogs, and some of my best friends are bloggers, one simply cannot replicate the beautifully written clear help this book provides through a blog or other Internet source, however well-intention or faithful to Church teaching.

I struggled with how to convey this last point, because I am so grateful for the Internet.  In particular, blogs and web articles that share people’s personal stories of conversion or struggling with Church issues are a terrific source for spiritual growth and learning.

But there’s a certain kind of blogger or Internet source (who shall remain nameless here) that, however well-intentioned, can be guilty of practicing theology without proper training, and this should be avoided just as much as we would avoid a non-medical person attempting triple-bypass surgery.  Just because someone slept at a Holiday Inn Express– or has read a lot of Church documents–doesn’t guarantee good results when one tries to charitably explain or defend Church teaching accurately, especially on complicated and critical issues of life and death.  In this area, what’s most needed is loving and well-formed professionals.  Two of these have written Life, Death & Catholic Medical Choices.  Take advantage of their wisdom and guidance, and keep this book on hand.