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Catholic Post column

“Good Boundaries and Goodbyes” Explores Boundaries with Grace

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This is my column that appears in this week’s print edition of The Catholic Post.

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Most people understand that health is a lifelong practice on a physical level—you don’t “get healthy” once and then abandon the healthy habits that led to it, such as as eating well, getting adequate sleep, exercise, and reducing stress. Our bodies, our lives, are gifts from God, and as disciples, we are called to take care of them.

We can always be learning new things about health. But two things are key to remember:

  1. Just reading about healthy habits doesn’t make you healthy. You have to put them into practice.
  2. There are great, good, and bad (or at minimum less than helpful) sources of advice. We are each responsible for sifting what is good from what is bad involves discernment.

These principles are just as true — even more so — for our mental health. And an important mental health habit is having good boundaries—healthy limits on our relationships, ourselves, and on our interactions with others.

A boundary can be as simple as saying no to a volunteer commitment (often something good!) to prevent burnout or overextending yourself. It can also be as complicated as putting limits on time spent with a coworker or friend who refuses to or ignores clearly articulated requests.

“Boundaries” are often misunderstood (and misused), especially in our current time of mental health gurus with questionable authority. A new book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are by Christian author Lysa TerKeurst, explores the concept of boundaries from a Christian and mental health perspective.

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes persuasively makes the case that learning to be healthier about boundaries is good not just for our emotional wellbeing, but honoring to God and neighbor.

But that doesn’t make boundaries easy! Far from it. And Terkeurst writes from experience.

She went through a painful divorce after years of her spouse’s addiction issues. Processing her grief during and after helped her realize she lacked healthy boundaries not just in marriage, but in friendships and other relationships.

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes explores what boundaries are, how to understand them, and how to implement them in various situations.

While Terkeurst is not Catholic, nothing in the book is contrary to Catholic teaching. And I appreciated her faith-based perspective, her emphasis on Scripture verses throughout, and her exploration through Scripture of the ways God enacts boundaries with humans as a way to protect and preserve relationships.

“I know part of what makes this complicated is that usually by the time we realize we need boundaries, we are carrying hurt,” Terkeurst writes. “Boundaries aren’t meant to be weaponized. They are meant to be used to prioritize keeping relationships safe.”

Several features makes Good Boundaries and Goodbyes stand out: a section at the end of each chapter called “Let’s Live This,” with Scripture verses to ponder, key quotes to remember, questions for personal reflection, and prayers.

The book also includes multiple sidebars of careful explanation of topics from TerKeurst’s Christian therapist, Jim Cress.

Especially useful is a section at the end of the book containing Q&A style explanations and sample “scripts” in refuting objections to boundaries and the Scriptural and psychological principles that undergirds them.

I’ve written often about how caring for our mental health is vital in living out a full, abundant life. Simply being Catholic or practicing our faith does not guarantee the absence of mental health struggles. We need to educate ourselves, and do the hard work of putting what we learn into practice. Good Boundaries and Goodbyes makes that work a little easier.

“Exorcism” Book a Powerful and Well-Reasoned Read on Why We Should Choose Good Over Evil

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This is my column that appears in this week’s print edition of The Catholic Post.

When I mentioned to my editor, Jen, that I was considering reviewing a book on exorcism, she said it would be timely because there’s a related new film out. It’s called “The Pope’s Exorcist,” and the movie is (very) loosely based on the life of exorcist Fr. Gabriele Amorth, an exorcist of Rome for many years before his death in 2016.

I say loosely because after watching the preview online (a mistake, but I’ll get to that later), I immediately thought about a line from Fr. Vincent Lampert’s recent book Exorcism: The Battle Against Satan and His Demons:

“(Exorcisms) are never performed in an abandoned house, on a dead-end street, at midnight, during a thunderstorm. That might make for a good movie, but it is not reality.”

After watching the preview, it’s clear that “The Pope’s Exorcist” doesn’t line up with reality. And since I’m not a fan of horror films, that movie is a hard pass from me.

Why I Did End Up Reviewing a Book About Exorcism

But why would I be interested in, or want to review, a book about exorcism? Two reasons:

*First, I heard a podcast interview recently with Fr. Lampert, the author of Exorcism, and I found him sensible, restrained, and well-spoken, infused with a good sense of humor. That last quality is a surprisingly helpful and good quality in an exorcist, especially one who has written a book about his experiences.

*Second, because of the classic C.S. Lewis quote from the preface to The Screwtape Letters, his book imagining letters between demons on how to tempt humans:

“There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them.”

Exorcism: The Battle Against Satan and His Demons tells the story of how Fr. Lampert became an exorcist for the diocese of Indianapolis, how he was trained, and all about exorcisms, the presence of evil and how to avoid it.

If you’re wondering— yes, Fr. Lampert does share some of the chilling and appalling encounters he has experienced during exorcisms. But the book’s strengths lie in educating readers —ultimately — how to have a healthy, well-integrated spirituality that neither ignores the reality of evil, nor over-emphasizes it.

Why Faith is So Important

“The key ingredient in defeating the devil is faith,” Fr. Lampert writes.

One of the most intriguing chapters was “Practical Insights from the Gospel of Mark”; Fr. Lampert details four exorcisms in Mark’s Gospel, and the spiritual insights we can glean from them.

Other chapters of the book explain the rite of exorcism, the different ways the devil inserts himself into our world, but throughout, explaining how God desires what’s best for us, and the devil wants us to be as miserable as he is.

“God wants a sense of cohesion and unity in his creation. The devil just wants a bunch of broken pieces,” says Lampert.

For those interested in modern spiritual reading that is both informative and thoughtful, Fr. Lampert’s book is an absorbing and reassuring read.

“St. Dymphna’s Playbook” Offers Hope, Solidarity on Mental Health Struggles

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This is my column that appears in this week’s print edition of The Catholic Post.

Like most people, I am grateful to live in a time when mental health issues are discussed openly. In decades past, these topics were often minimized or stigmatized. And in some religious circles, mental health struggles could be overly spiritualized, and sometimes prayer was presented as the only solution.

At the same time, right now there is such a plethora of mental health resources and voices—especially on social media—that it’s challenging to distinguish the helpful from the less than helpful.

Sometimes, these voices—professionals or non-professionals—can pathologize nearly everything and everyone, even relatively normal struggles or relationships; they can promote a one-size-fits-all approach to all mental health issues; and they can be unreceptive or even hostile to sincere faith being a major element in a person’s integrated and well-ordered life. It can take a lot of effort to sift through the chaff for the wheat.

Tommy Tighe’s newest book: St. Dymphna’s Playbook

That’s why I am so grateful to Tommy Tighe, a licensed marriage and family therapist, for writing St. Dymphna’s Playbook: A Catholic Guide to Finding Mental and Emotional Well-Being,” and providing a much-needed Catholic perspective.

Tighe wrote St. Dymphna’s Playbook “to fill the void of Catholic conversations about mental health.”

St. Dymphna, for those who do not know her, is the saint who’s often invoked for those with mental health issues, and for their caregivers and loved ones. (Tighe’s podcast is also titled “St. Dymphna’s Playbook.”)

“God wills that everyone be saved, not just from sin and evil but also from depression, anxiety, past trauma, difficult relationships, heartbreak, addiction, and everything else that brings us pain, suffering, and separation from the love and peace God so desperately want to give us,” Tighe writes in the introduction.

St. Dymphna’s Playbook is divided into five sections: Depression, Anxiety, Trauma, Relationships, and Grief. Each section has sub-chapters that cover one aspect of the subject: for instance, “Fatigue” and “Irritability” are two of the chapters under “Depression.” “Manipulative Relationships” is one chapter in the “Relationships” section.

Each chapter has a phrase that echoes John 11:3, when Jesus’ disciples report to him about Lazarus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.”

So, for instance, in the Anxiety section, one chapter is titled: “Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: The One You Love is Battling Intrusive Thoughts.” And a chapter of the Depression Section is “Irritability: Lord, The One You Love is Annoyed.”

Each section includes several aspects of a mental health disorder, such as a description of what the symptoms or diagnosis actually is; practical, healthy coping skills everyone can try; a brief exploration of what our faith and the saints have to say about the experience; and a list of key points in summary.

One of my favorite features is “What the Saints Say About …” . This chapter section profiles a saint who either did or may have suffered from that condition. In the Anhedonia (lack of feeling) chapter under Depression, Tighe discusses St. Mother Teresa and her decades-long struggle with spiritual darkness. Tighe also writes beautifully about the life of Venerable Matt Talbot, an early 20th century Irishman who overcame alcoholism and who said, “It’s as hard to give up the drink as it is to raise the dead to life again.”

St. Dymphna’s Playbook is not a self-help book or a textbook, or a prescription for those struggling. It’s a worthwhile resource from a competent, Catholic source, and from a healthy Catholic perspective.

“While there are coping skills within this book for the various mental health experiences we may be going through, this book doesn’t intend to solve all our problems.” Tighe writes. “My hope is that this book provides the impetus for our Catholic Church to bring our mental health struggles out into the open without stigma and with a plan for moving forward.”

Companion reads:

Two recently-published books are excellent complementary reads with St. Dymphna’s Playbook.

Awakening at Lourdes by Christy Wilkens

In Awakening at Lourdes: How an Unanswered Prayer Healed Our Family & Restored Our Faith, Christy Wilkens writes expressively about her sixth child’s struggle with complex medical issues, her spiritual and emotional journey; and how a pilgrimage to Lourdes transformed her life.

Awakening at Lourdes is fascinating even just as a detailed account of what happens on a Lourdes pilgrimage, But more than that, it’s a profoundly personal journey of a deepening faith, and a reminder to all that “None of us is meant to endure the trials of this life alone.”

Meg Hunter-Kilmer’s Pray for Us.

Meg Hunter-Kilmer’s newest book, Pray for Us: 75 Saints Who Sinned, Suffered, and Struggled on Their Way to Holiness might be quickly described as a “grown-up” version of her excellent Saints Around the World, which she wrote mostly for younger readers.

In Pray for Us, Hunter-Kilmer writes in more detail about saints whose lives were “complicated” in various ways, but in such an engaging way that it’s easy to see how many beautiful and unconventional ways there are to be a saint and live out a life of faith.

Pray for Us includes more detail about the lives of a wide variety of saints, with sections including “Saints Who Defied Expectations,” Saints With Difficult Families,” “Saints Whose Ruined Plans Open the Way to More Beautiful Things,” “Saints Who Were Failures,” and more.

All three books provide a powerful reminder for Catholics: the knowledge that we are not alone in our struggles and sufferings.

As Tighe writes, it’s “less about having an answer for everything and more about trying to foster a Catholic community where we suffer together, unafraid to walk forward with our sisters and brothers through their valley of tears.… You are never alone. Help and hope are always out there.”

First, What Are You Reading? Volume 27, The All Saints/Marathon Edition

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Happy Feast of All Saints!   Be sure to celebrate in style this great feast of the Church.

I’m interrupting my marathon story (here are Part 1 and Part 2) to post my monthly “what are you reading?” questions, with a focus on a book about someone who probably is a saint, as well as one book about running by a prayerful young man.

The questions, as always, are:

first, what are you reading?
what do you like best about it?
what do you like least?
what’s next on your list to read?

As always, I hope you’ll consider your current reads on your blog and/or sharing here in the comments or on Facebook or Twitter.  Happy reading!

First, what are you reading?

I actually read Jeff Grabosky’s book Running With God Across America back in the summer, but I want to feature it now, because Jeff is a fellow LIFE Runner.  I also plan to do a Q&A with him in the future since he’s agreed to do one.

 I’m also in the midst of Leonie Martin:  A Difficult Life by  Marie Baudouin-Croix.

What do you like best about them?

I most enjoy Jeff Grabosky’s voice and honesty in talking about his spiritual journey in Running With God Across America. 

Leonie Martin: A Difficult Life is quite moving.  I had read before in an article about Leonie that some believe that she, almost more than Therese, deserves formal recognition as a saint.  I’m not sure about that, but reading about her mental health issues and how she worked to overcome them and persist in seeking to fulfill her vocation has brought me to tears on several occasions.

What do you like least?

I am surprised at how much I enjoyed all of Running With God Across America.  I receive a lot of review copies of self-published books, and the vast majority have major issues, whether style, content or grammar/typo issues.  Jeff’s book, while self-published, genuinely reads like a memoir from any major publisher.  I’m not sure if he had a great helpful editors or friends read through it, or just has a gift, or both.  He’s a great writer and the story flows.

Leonie Martin was written in the French, and sometimes the translation  feels a little awkward.  It’s easy to overcome, and certainly worthwhile to know more about this member of the Martin family.

What’s next on your list to read?

I have a huge stack of books that are possibilities for my December column featuring good gift books.  So many great choices, but I’m on the lookout for more.  If you know of any great newer books that would also make great Christmas presents, please comment here or send me a tweet.

Meet a Reader: Lindsey Weishar

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Since my October column for The Catholic Post featured books for younger readers, it seems appropriate to feature a younger member of our diocese.  I met Lindsey this summer when she was on the Totus Tuus team.  Our kids have attended this program for two years now and it is fantastic.  Thanks, Lindsey, for being willing to be featured here!


 How you know me:  My parents, Julie, Joe, my sister, Rachel, and I attend St. Matthew Parish in Champaign. I am a senior in English at the University of Illinois. The most attractive part of attending the University of Illinois is St. John’s Catholic Newman Center.  I’m in my second year of living here at the Newman Center and I love it.

This past summer, I was a team member of the Totus Tuus program, a wonderful experience that involved sharing the beauty of the Catholic faith with children and teens in six parishes in the Peoria Diocese.

Why I love reading:  I love reading because it calls me to think, to pay attention to the little details of life. This is why poetry is especially attractive to me. There is just so much to notice in the life we live, and books help me notice, to place myself outside of myself, to see how other people may live and feel.

What I’m reading now:  It sometimes happens that I begin to read too many things at once. So I am in the midst of quite a few books. I recently finished Matthew Lickona’s spiritual memoir entitled Swimming With Scapulars. The honesty of the joys and struggles of Lickona’s spiritual life made the book a great read. Another book recently finished is a preparation for Marian consecration entitled 33 Days to Morning Glory. This book taught me so much about Mary. My dad and I have been in the midst of St. Augustine’s Confessions, and though the book is dense, Augustine’s emotion and profound sense of God are amazing.

My favorite books:  One of my favorites is St. Therese of Lisieux’s Story of a Soul. I really feel able to connect with Therese and her book gives me a view into the interior landscape of saint, a soul so alive with love for Jesus. Other books I greatly enjoy include C.S. Lewis’s The Screwtape Letters, for its deep look into human sin and the devil’s role as the  tempter, and Charles Dickens’  A Tale of Two Cities, for its beautiful exploration of self-sacrifice for the good of another.

Youth Is Wasted on the Young?

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Here is my October column that appears in this weekend’s edition of The Catholic Post.  I invite your feedback here.

Like many moms, mine loved great maxims born of wisdom and long experience.  Because she had a great sense of humor, these sayings would sometimes morph, Mrs. Maloprop-style, to something like my personal favorite, “We’ll jump off that bridge when we get to it.”

One she never changed, but still intoned in her best mock-serious mother-knows-best voice: “Youth is wasted on the young.”

Now that I close in on the half-century mark, I begin to understand what that really means.

Yes, youth is wasted on the young.  All that free time!  All that energy!

I recall saying–more than once–to ungrateful, nap-resistant toddlers:  “I promise you, someday, someone will say to you, ‘why don’t you go take a nap,’ and you will say, ‘Thank you!’ instead of fighting it.”

Don’t get me wrong. I love my maturity and experience, even as I might covet what the younger me took for granted, like naps or a faster metabolism.

“Youth is wasted on the young” occurred to me as the fall books from Catholic publishers began to arrive, and with more than the usual number for teens and young adults.   I wish I could have had read these when I was 15, 25 or 35 for inspiration, for spiritual growth, or just plain fun.  So youth, don’t waste it, but take advantage of these great books, vetted not just by me but younger readers, to enjoy this fall:

*He Speaks to You by Sister Helena Burns, FSP.  Sister Helena is an expert on media literacy and Theology of the Body, a Catholic new media maven, and a great friend to the Peoria diocese, speaking here often and living in nearby Chicago.  Turns out she’s also a gifted author.

This book is a deceptively simple prayer/reflection book for young women.  Each page corresponds to a day of the year, with Scripture, reflection and action and journaling ideas.  It may sound basic, but He Speaks to You offers substantial, meaty topics in the context of consistent themes that run through an entire month.  For example, “His Will” in April, covers topics like discernment and vocation, and “In His Image” in August, focuses on body image and sexuality.

Sister Helena writes in the introduction, “The sisters and I have long talked about wanting to find a way to share …basic principles of the interior life and how to live them in daily life.”    With the wisdom of the Daughters of St. Paul, mission accomplished.

*Be Beautiful, Be You by Lizzie Velasquez.

This is a sweet volume–all from a Catholic perspective–about loving yourself, overcoming setbacks, and recognizing what makes a person unique.  23-year-old Lizzie Velasquez was born with a rare medical syndrome, and she writes candidly about her struggles and how she has used them to grow emotionally and spiritually.

Lizzie’s stories, journal and ideas offer a much-needed antidote to our culture’s obsession with perfection and ways to overcome that.

*Fearing the Stigmata: Humorously Holy Stories of a Young Catholic’s Search for a Culturally Relevant Faith by Matt Weber.

Matt Weber is a Harvard grad and practicing Catholic–not at all a contradiction.  Fearing the Stigmata is his charmingly earnest and witty take on living as a Catholic young adult in the modern world.

I didn’t include this book simply so young men wouldn’t feel left out, but because it is a genuinely funny and spiritually edifying book.  I found myself laughing out loud at many, many vignettes in the book, from his love of the restaurant Olive Garden, to “nun volleyball,” to “the Dominic Code.”  You have to read Fearing the Stigmata to find out what those mean in the context of our Catholic faith, but you’ll thank me.