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St. Andre Bessette, Crutches, and Healing

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In summer 2009, our family had the opportunity to travel to Canada, and some of our best memories were from visiting, St. Joseph’s Oratory in Montreal, and the Shrine of St. Anne de Beaupre , outside Quebec City. With the canonization of St. Andre Bessette (who built the Oratory) this month, I was inspired to re-post here what I had written about the crutches in June 2009. As we wind up our discussion of Beyond Blue this month, and learning about healing, I think it’s an appropriate reflection.

In both places of pilgrimage, crutches figured prominently.

I’m sure I snapped more than a couple dozen photos of the crutches left behind by those healed through the intercession of St. Joseph and St. Anne. Now I only have a few because I’ve been fairly ruthless editing the photos we took in Canada. And I experienced such involuntary and powerful emotions when seeing them.   So I’ve put up a couple of the photos I took that remain.

At first, or at some point after seeing them I thought, could there really be this many people who are cured and no longer need their crutches?  How many people really need crutches these days?  I guess it was different many decades ago when these shrines were being constructed.  But still,  all these people healed?

And yet, you see the hundreds of well-used crutches and canes all over the place, and clearly people left them behind.   Even with my skepticism, at least for me, I continued to have a very strong emotional reaction, my eyes tearing up, when I would catch sight of the crutches as we spent our time at the shrines.  I think part of my intellectual reaction was from my mom, who was pretty practical about these kind of things, almost to a fault.  But still the tears flowed.

An old friend from DC wrote on my Facebook (after I mentioned we were going to St. Joseph Oratory) that she had visited there years ago and, seeing the crutches, was inspired to pray for her own healing.  And I didn’t see her note until after we had been there, but I had the same thought.  I couldn’t even articulate at the time what I meant by that.  It was just a wordless prayer for healing and grace.

Now, with some time away from the experience, and getting a chance to reflect on it, I recognized that what resonated with me was the common human struggle with brokenness.  For some it is an obvious problem–a physical disability.  Some are more open about their struggles with brokenness–I’m grateful for the blogs I can visit where people share their struggles and their faith journeys.

But even if we are more private about it, or it is not obvious, human life involves struggles and brokenness, even amid joy.   What is important is to be loving and forgiving to each other as we recognize that.  On our own we don’t have that kind of love and forgiveness.  That is why I’m so grateful for the grace and supernatural love given freely by Jesus, however imperfect I am at accepting that grace and love.

I was in confession last week with an African priest visiting our parish, and I have to “confess” I was a little concerned, because the last time I went to an African priest for confession (a number of years back), my penance was– an entire Rosary.  I can laugh now, but in my shock, I had to ask him if that’s what he really meant.  Now I know a Rosary isn’t terrible (Mary, Mother of God, please still love me for even writing that!).  But for soft old American me, going to confession to very kind American priests, I’m used to a couple of Hail Marys, and some good advice.

But this time during confession (with a penance far less than a Rosary, I might add), the priest at one point said, “dear daughter of the King,” and of course my eyes teared up.  I am a daughter of the King–we are all children of the King– and His grace and healing is available to us.  Let us be given the hearts to know that.

Beyond Blue Question: Other Catholic Books, Resources on Facing Adversity?

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I feel grateful to have the chance to review and write about Beyond Blue  this month, and interview author Therese Borchard.  But there are many, many books that approach depression, mental health and promote healing from a Catholic perspective.  Many books were recommended to me, and I searched around for what would be good.  I was surprised at only having a few that I found good reads & worth recommending.  I know that many people would find different books helpful in different ways, so feel free to add your suggestions.

Here are several books I found most helpful and best reads:

*Surviving Depression:  A Catholic Approach by Kathryn J. Hermes, FSP, (a sister in the Congregation of the Daughters of St. Paul) writes a beautiful account of her own struggles with depression, and tells the stories of others, in giving hope and a spiritual blueprint for healing and progress against mood disorders.

The book now comes with a companion prayer book:  Prayers for Surviving Depression and a companion journal, Surviving Depression Journal, making this an excellent series for those grappling with depression.

*Safely Through the Storm: 120 Reflections on Hope by Debra Herbeck is a slim but rich volume of quotes, reflections and poems from saints and spiritual writers on hope in the midst of suffering.  The book is divided into three sections:  “The Quotes,” “The Voices” (short description of each writer), and “The Sources” (for each quote).  My only tiny quibble is that the voices (listed alphabetically), do not refer back to the numbered quote, so I can’t look up, say, Caryl Houselander’s quote.  Still, a wonderful, beautiful selection of voices, in quotes of varying lengths that provide hope and healing.   This would be a great book to have on hand for times of Adoration or for quiet reflection on one or two quotes.

Here’s one example, from St. Thomas More,:  “I will not mistrust (God), though I feel myself weakening and on the verge of being overcome with fear … I trust he shall place his holy hand on me and in the stormy seas hold me up from drowning.”

*Another recently released compendium is Hidden Graces: Poems for Crisis, Struggle and Renewal selected and introduced by Gretchen L. Schwenker, Ph.D. and Matthew J. Kessler, a Redemptorist priest.  The poems are selected primarily to help those who have experienced loss, providing a way to navigate your emotions through the “hidden graces” of crisis, the authors explain. Poets from Christina Rossetti to Wendell Berry and many others, both classic & modern, provide space and reflection for those in grief and in the process of recovery.

*Prolific author and trained psychologist Father Benedict Groeschel wrote a book in the 1990s that has enduring appeal:  Arise from Darkness:  What to Do When Life Doesn’t Make Sense.  The book handles grief, depression and other issues from Father Groeschel’s sensible Catholic approach.   Father Groeschel writes in such an easy-to-read and conversational style, making it well worth a look.

Do you have a favorite read or resource to recommend in this area?

Beyond Blue Question: What Prayer or Devotion Do You Find Helpful for Promoting Mental Health?

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In Beyond Blue, Therese Borchard writes of how the Rosary is a lifesaver for her spiritual and mental life.  She also shares that she has several short phrases, such as “God be with me,” she uses when she finds anxiety or sadness overtaking her spirit.

I agree very much that the Rosary is an excellent devotion for calming and reflection, and drawing ever deeper into relationship with Jesus and his (and our) Mother, Mary.  I hope this doesn’t sound disrespectful when I say that it  helps me get to sleep if I am ever having a wakeful night.  I like to think that it is Mary is practical and knows, as a mom, that a mom needs sleep!  I also find the Divine Mercy chaplet, especially the chanted and the sung versions, very soothing.

What prayers or devotions do you find helpful when you need calming or a mental health boost?  I’m asking this not in a way to say that spiritual practices are only for our physical or mental benefit, because we derive spiritual benefits from the practice of our faith.  But these prayers can have great impact in our life in many ways, and recognizing that is good.

"Beyond Blue," the blog

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Therese Borchard wrote the excellent book we’re discussing this month, Beyond Blue, and it is also the title of her blog on spiritual and mental health on Beliefnet.

You can visit the blog here at Beliefnet.  I found even though I had read the book Beyond Blue, I wasn’t visiting the blog that much because I just don’t find the time to be online and visit all the many blogs that I enjoy.  So I signed up for an e-mail delivery of the blog, and that keeps me updated.

Some of my recent and recurrent favorites:

Today’s post about friendship is really funny and also instructive, especially number 1 (join a book group, so go ahead, join us here!)

Every Monday, Borchard writes a “Mindful Monday” column with thoughtful reflections on various ways to be intentional and thoughtful in our lives.

Every Thursday is “Therapy Thursday,” where Borchard shares ideas, many culled from her small but powerful volume published this year, The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Guide.  Here’s a good one from that series.

If you visit the blog, what are your impressions?  Do you have other recommendations for blogs or web resources that promote spiritual and mental health?

Questions and Answers with Amy Bonaccorso, author of "How to Get to I Do"

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Amy Bonaccorso graciously answered all my “interesting” questions about her great new book I reviewed last week, How to Get to “I Do”:  A Dating Guide for Catholic Women.  I think you’ll find the interview a great read in itself.  Thanks, Amy!

I so enjoyed “How to Get to I Do.”  What made you want to write the book?

I found that Catholics and Christians in general had a lot of dating problems, and their books weren’t very helpful.   Typically, the books were written by well-intentioned people who nevertheless lacked real-life relationship experience themselves.  As a consequence, the books tended to be formulaic and didn’t help people distinguish between idealistic and realistic expectations. 

Or, books were more theological than practical, and reading them was insightful to a degree, but led to a very academic approach to relationships that didn’t always translate well into real life. 

This whole situation frustrated me and I wanted to help.  I started writing and sharing my ideas with friends during my engagement.  I published articles and started a blog after I got married in 2008.  Everything was very well received and readers felt that I was providing a unique angle on the subject, so it led to a book deal with Servant Books in 2009.

Are your surprised by the interest from other types of people than the intended audience?  For instance,  the book could potentially be a great resource for older teenagers as they begin to discern their vocation and plan for the future.

The intended audience was single Catholic women in their 20s-40s, yet people of every category are reading the book.  Married people are interested because they may know single family members or friends who they want to help.  Men are curious about the book because they can learn a lot about how women think and what they want.  One man told me that he thought the book was very “Chicken Soup for the Soul” and could be turned into a series.  Another man told me that he obscured the cover of my book so he could read it without embarrassment while he rode the subway.  A Methodist told me that most of the book resonated with her, regardless of the Catholic title.

Teenagers are usually already thinking about relationships, so I think it would be a great book for them to read too.  I didn’t put anything in there that would be inappropriate for them (I know parents worry about that).  I emphasize the importance of women knowing who they are and not wasting time when discerning a vocation.  Chapter 2 is “Discernment is Empowerment.”  Most women do their discerning in college or in their early to mid 20s – so teens could get a head start by reading the book.  It’s also good to plant some healthy relationship concepts early, because even devout women absorb a lot false ideas and impossible expectations early on.  It can be hard to get them to see reality at that point.

As a mom who feels a certain attraction to discouraging dating (my protective husband is fond of joking, what’s wrong with arranged marriages?), I found your description of dating versus courting pretty eye-opening.  Can you give some guidance to parents who might be either years away or very near to their children dating?

Lol!  Well, different authors have slightly different definitions of “courtship.”  Some concepts are more rigid and old Europe than others.  But overall, they aren’t anchored in the real world.  My first chapter is entitled “Living in the Real World.”

Courtship vocabulary itself is inherently confusing and potentially misleading when 99.9% of the people in Washington DC, for example, are going out on “dates.”  Once couples are committed, they may be “together” – it’s not common to hear the word “courting,” even among couples who have read courtship books. 

If parents encourage (or mandate) that their children come into the dating scene using outdated language, they’re putting them at a disadvantage and setting them up for failure.   The kids will seem out of touch.  And forget about a man asking a girl’s father for a first date.  A guy recently told me, “If I did that, the father would call the cops or think I was crazy.”  People just aren’t comfortable with it.

Also, the “courtship” philosophy seems to have this built-in assumption that men are going to jump through a million hoops for a woman.  Fathers love that.  Naturally, they want to protect their daughters.  But, most of those same dads wouldn’t have jumped through those hoops for their own wife.  Maybe they like to fantasize that they would have!  Women who are dating want to see men as knights in shining armor too, and believe that they will slay dragons to embrace them, but that is a fairy tale.  If women put up too many hoops – they aren’t going to get married.  They need to carefully select only a few meaningful hoops and be realists. 

Parents can help prepare their children to be good spouses (or good clergy) by fostering a holistic and integrated approach to religion.  It’s good to know doctrine, and it’s also important to know how to put faith into practice in our everyday lives.  Emotional maturity and human virtue are needed to make everything work!  If Catholicism is only rules and history to us, relationships will suffer as a consequence because a critical piece of the puzzle is missing. 

Parents should also try not to communicate an assumption that their daughter’s life and relationships will follow a 1950s script of graduating from school, marrying their sweetheart, and only being a homemaker.  Women these days need to be equipped to deal with a myriad of situations in a confident manner. 
As I read your book, I was racking my brain trying to think of any other young, recently married Catholic woman giving dating advice and experience, and shockingly, I couldn’t think of one.  How do you think you provide a different perspective from the usual Catholic advice in this area?

I’m very practical and a realist, yet still present a Catholic perspective.  My advice is anchored in experience, and experience is a brilliant teacher.  That separates me from a lot of other writers.

I don’t dismiss women’s concerns and say “Don’t worry, God will provide the perfect husband for you.”  Or, “Don’t ever settle for anyone less than perfect – no matter how old you are.”  These were the blissful lines of misguided advice I was given.  My take is more grounded.  The truth is that we need to give God opportunities to provide.  Sitting back and doing nothing limits what God can do for us.  Women need to be pro-active about finding positive relationships.  The men I have spoken to agree with this assessment.  We also need to be mature and recognize that we are looking for a mortal man – not a dashing character in a novel, movie, myth, or legend. 
Do you have a favorite chapter or section of the book?

I personally found the “When Holy Rollers Don’t Measure Up” chapter to be groundbreaking in Catholic publishing.  I talked about the elephant in the room and it felt good!  I am so happy that I was able to give so many women a public voice.  Many of my girlfriends had experiences with devout Catholic men who displayed abhorrent behavior, or who were just shockingly immature and irresponsible. 

Most Catholic writing suggests that finding a man who is super devout and prayerful will solve every relationship problem.  This is simply not true.  While women ideally want to share their faith with their spouse, they need to look beyond their checklists and make sure who they are with has a good heart and will be there when times are tough.  Unfortunately, just looking for someone who goes to Mass frequently doesn’t offer any guarantees on that front.
Explain a little the pitfalls of “the secular sisterhood,” a term you coined for women who are hyper-pious, but have trouble in the real dating world.

This was another one of those elephant in the room topics.  Secular sisters sabotage their relationships in a lot of ways and seem to be part of a club of single church mice type of women.  They may measure every man against an impossible standard that he has no hope of meeting, even if he is truly decent and would make a good husband and father.  Perhaps they are very focused on theology, but struggle with the more subtle emotional cues that are so instrumental in real life relationships.  Maybe they want to marry an idealized theologian archetype, and hold out until they are suddenly 40 and still alone.  A lot of Catholic women are also very inclined towards tradition, but outdated expectations on etiquette and roles can trip them up in dating.

It’s not hard for women to break out of this self-defeating rut – they just need to change their thinking.

Do you think your views of dating have changed the longer you have been married?

I have been married for two years and have talked to many people about their relationship problems.  I am less patient with “soft-edged” writing in the Catholic community or “soft ball” answers to hard questions.   We need more honest, credible material that will resonate with fast-paced and successful professionals.

I’m also probably more convinced than I ever was that singles need the support of married people in their lives.  While not every marriage is ideal, I have found that couples can usually provide valuable sanity checks in a crisis, like “No – the way that guy is treating you isn’t okay.”  Or, “Chill out, this is not that bad…not every day is going to be like your first date.”  I think it’s really important to encourage couples to help their si

Beyond Blue Question: What Do You Do to Take Care of You?

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In Beyond Blue, Therese Borchard writes about how self-care is a big part of mental health.  In my review of the book, I write about the self-care principles that Borchard recounts in Beyond Blue.  Borchard writes dramatically of how prayer and the spiritual life, attention to diet, exercise and good sleep; and healthy friendships can all help maintain or lift one’s mood. In my interview with her , she addresses in particular the need for new moms to seek help whenever possible to be able to do this, but this could also apply to those caring for elderly parents, a special needs child, or just the busy-ness of everyday life for any person.

What do you do to take of you?  I don’t mean this in an Eat, Pray, Love kind of way, but rather a healthy, balanced approach to taking care of yourself in order to better love yourself and those around you.

For me, one of my main “taking care of me” things is running.  I’m a slow runner, but I truly enjoy the time running as well as how it helps me feel better and accomplished.  I may not be able to keep up with housework or be stuck on a writing project, but I can finish a 10-mile run and feel awesome.  Those endorphins are real!   My weekend “long run” is a cherished time for me.

Participating in races is also a great time to get together with others and enjoy the ambience of post-race fun.  Even though I don’t run very fast, I have found I really enjoy long distances.  I’ve completed two half-marathons this year, and I will be participating in a third this weekend.  Even writing that puts a smile on my face!

Recently, I was with another mom who expressed that she sometimes feel selfish “getting away” to run (she is actually a very fast runner) or do other things for herself.  I know that feeling too.  I think we all do, and it’s okay to recognize that pull.  But I also know it makes me a better wife, mom and friend, to have this interest that is wholly mine (and that I hope to pass along to my kids).

I’ve been running since I was a teenager (introduced to it by my father when running wasn’t cool yet 🙂 , but for some reason I gave it up when I became pregnant with my first child.   I now see that that was a mistake.   I didn’t take up running again in earnest until about 6 years ago, and I am so glad that I did–running the occasional race and keeping active this way is important for my mental, not just physical, health.

I have many other ways that I work to take care of myself–anyone care to second dark chocolate or Jane Austen?–but I’m interested to hear yours.  What are ways that you take care of yourself?  How does it help?